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The New Yorker Gentle Parenting Controversy
The New Yorker Gentle Parenting controversy is regarding the brilliant article penned by Jessica Winter. Why do I find it so awesome? Why do I call it a controversy?
Well, ‘gentle parenting’ is the rising trend among new-generation parents today. ‘Gentle parenting’ is also known as ‘respectful parenting,’ ‘mindful parenting,’ and ‘intentional parenting.’
Gentle parenting revolves around acknowledging a child’s feelings and motivation behind their challenging behavior instead of focusing on correcting the behavior itself.
The gentle parent holds boundaries and offers choices to kids. They don’t give commands or punishments. There are no ‘rewards’ for being nice or time-outs for bad behavior.
The parent is the model of perfect behavior, calmness and keeping cool during tantrums.
However, there are some aspects of gentle parenting that may not be very practical in real-life, as beautifully brought out in the article.
Gentle parenting does not work for everyone. And will not work in all instances.
Firstly, what I find challenging in the gentle parenting notions is the ability to keep calm and analyze the motivation and feelings behind their behavior. Not all types of behavior can be justified as ‘feeling insecure,’ ‘feeling unsafe,’ hunger or stress. Sometimes kids behave in a challenging manner because they want to provoke us. They want to test how we would react. It’s true. I have seen it happen with my children.
Following the gentle parenting ideas in these circumstances raises many questions. If we are never to ‘correct the behavior itself,’ then wouldn’t children learn to bully and test the emotions of others with no regard for emotions other than our own?
Wouldn’t the generation suffer behavioral patterns that have resulted in excessive under-correction? In other words, are we contributing towards raising children who are spoilt?
I myself did not grow up in a gentle parenting style. I had parents who strongly believed in correcting behavior rather than giving a dime for the emotions behind them. Needless to say, I was traumatized. I don’t want the same for my kids, and I admire the respect gentle parenting has to offer.
Yet, I think it is important to strike a balance. While on the one hand, we don’t want to raise children who are people-pleasers, we also don’t want to raise spoilt monsters who value their own emotions more than that of others. What is more important in my line of thinking is to raise children who are respectful, kind and emotionally stable in society. Not a child who assumes that all their emotions will be read by the outside world even if they fail to communicate them properly.
I love gentle parenting. I wish I was a gentler parent. But sometimes, we need to call a spade a spade and a tantrum. My best reaction to a tantrum is to ignore them until they calm down. I have seen that when I try gentle parenting approaches during a tantrum, they increase in volume and force. As Jessica Winter says, we need to stop putting a tantrum on a pedestal.
My other issue is that gentle parenting seriously lacks the motivation to push kids to do better. I understand that the idea behind avoiding ‘rewards and punishments’ is that the child must learn to self-regulate their emotions and behave better because it is important and not because they will get a treat.
Praise like a simple ‘Good Job!’ can work magic in encouraging children to help with chores. What would a lack of praise for hard work do?
Moreover, children of gentle parents grow up never realizing that their parents go through a lot of emotional turmoil too. Their tantrums are upsetting us. They make us tired.
I sometimes find it easier to explain that I am tired and stressed out and don’t have the energy to deal with their tantrums. I sometimes find it easier to pick them up and cuddle them rather than find out what they are feeling or the motivation behind the behavior. My kids understand that mamma has good days and bad days too. I am not justifying my style of parenting, but some things are a lot to do with maternal instinct.
While authoritative parenting diminishes the rights and emotional well-being of children, does gentle parenting downplay or disregard the emotions and feelings of parents handling them?
Oftentimes coming up with phrases and questions that would be in accordance with gentle parenting standards is the real challenge. It is like trying to say ‘It is raining” without saying “It is raining.” The long ride around words that will not lead them to be people-pleasers, drug abusers or psycho-paths is tiring.
Sometimes we mammas need to stop and learn to deal with children as our emotions and instincts allow us. Kids are smart. They will understand. Sometimes they are the rocks that hold us together in emotional meltdowns of our own. The level of empathy my toddler shows in moments like these is astounding. So why not let them understand our position so that they will try to help us?
And if I ever hurt them with authoritative parenting styles, I make sure they are able to tell me about it. Then I apologize for the wrong on my part, and we hug.
Gentle parenting includes love and kindness. Forget the book regulations of what gentle parenting is and how it should be done. A lot of factors play into molding the character of a child, not just a bunch of phrases that command them to turn off the Television and get to bed!
So The New Yorker Gentle Parenting Controversy?
It is not a controversy at all! Rather it is an adaptation of the gentle parenting methods to conform best with what each individual finds practical. All parenting styles don’t conform with everyone and will not be compatible will every situation. So I think it is important to develop a parenting style that works for each individual combining gentle parenting with what is practical.
Also read: Can babies have nightmares?
*All pics are taken from Unsplash.com
